The Courting of Chris Kirkpatrick
by ames

Joey had lived a long life. He’d seen a lot of strange things, built up a lot of strengths and tricks to get through the days, remembered names when it was important and left it up to Lance to remember for him when it wasn’t. But the one thing he needed to remember was the one lesson he’d never learned to begin with.

It was fucking impossible to court Chris Kirkpatrick.

Joey’s interest in Chris was admittedly a little surprising. Not because of the guy thing, because Joey was oversexed enough to recognize that a mouth on his dick was a mouth on his dick, and he was enough of a nice guy to reciprocate when necessary. Europe had opened his eyes to a world of sexual options at a relatively young age, and Joey was all about choice. So it wasn’t that he wasn’t into the guy thing, or even that he thought Chris was ugly or unattractive. Joey was well aware of Chris’s odd charms – his skinny legs, the pale skin of his upper arms, hell, even his sorry-ass hairstyles were hot. But Joey was also aware that Chris was kind of strange about relationships – he actually had them. He wasn’t a one-night-stand guy, he rarely took anyone back to the hotel with him even though the rest of them didn’t hesitate when the opportunity extended itself. Except Justin, of course, being that he was In True Love with Britney, however much that relationship was falling apart. Chris, on the other hand, would flirt with the girls in the audience, chat up the occasional boy or two, but never actually pick up. He and Justin would leave roughly at the same time, Justin to call Britney, Chris to – well, Joey wasn’t sure exactly what Chris did on those evenings. Joey liked to play the field, sample a little bit of everything and then move on. But to get Chris, you had to date Chris, and to date Chris, you had to either invest in a power chainsaw to bust through his walls, or do a little courting.

Actually, there was another lesson Joey kept forgetting, and that was to never brag about his conquests in front of Chris and JC at the same time, which was what started the whole mess. Chris didn’t care where Joey stuck his dick (which Joey found a little annoying in his current state of woo-ing), but JC got all protective and indignant on his behalf. Joey was forcibly reminded of that the morning after a particularly fruitful evening out. He’d sauntered into the common room of the hotel suite, glancing around in a vaguely pleased manner, only to be jerked downwards by JC, who was sitting on the couch.

“Joey, you jerk,” JC hissed, his face mere inches from Joey’s. His breath smelled like coffee and cinnamon. “Why did you have to go and do that?”

“Do what?” Joey asked, confused. “I just walked in the -”

“You ass,” JC said. “Last night. The club. The girls?”

Oh. Joey shrugged sheepishly, extricating himself from JC’s wanna-be death grip and grabbing a bagel off the breakfast cart. It wasn’t like he’d meant to flaunt the two girls who had been draped over him, he just happened to be walking by Chris and JC at the time. The club was dark, Joey honestly hadn’t realized they were there. And if he’d let out a little hoot of triumph over his catch for the evening, well that didn’t mean anything. “Chill, C,” he said. “Chris is cool, dude. He doesn’t care what I’ve got going on.”

JC’s eyes narrowed. “Not on a normal day, no. Today’s different, Joe, and you know it is. Brit’s here, which means that Justin’s occupied.”

Joey blinked and flopped down next to JC, propping his feet on the coffee table. “Oh. So Chris really went home alone-alone, not with-Justin-alone.” He frowned. “Hey, d’you think they ever – OUCH!” He rubbed the back of his head where JC had smacked him.

JC glared. “They haven’t, and you know it.”

“Dude, I was just wondering, no need to get physical,” Joey muttered. “I don’t get what’s the big deal, anyway. Chris can take care of himself, and dude, you know if I was pissing him off, he’d tell me.”

JC sighed and turned to face him, tucking his feet under Joey’s thigh. Joey shivered. Fucking Chasez, his toes were like little blocks of ice. “Just, I don’t know, he’s kind of sensitive these days. About personal stuff. It’s been a while since, you know, when that all fell apart, and it’s hard for him.”

Joey laughed. “What, you’re telling me that it’s been that long since Chris Kirkpatrick got any? Seriously, are you sure that he and Justin aren’t hitting it when Brit’s not around, cause man, if it were me, I’d be going stir crazy. Even Timberlake’s skinny ass would be looking good to me.”

JC smacked Joey on the head again. “Say that one more time, and I’m seriously going to hurt you.”

Joey wondered about JC’s definition of serious hurt - he wasn’t exactly holding back on the headsmacks. “Listen, dude,” he said. “I’ll keep my mojo away from poor delicate Chrissy-poo, just stop hitting me, man.”

JC had seemed satisfied at the time, and Joey was all ready to forget the entire conversation. But now he found himself worrying about Chris, just a little. And seriously wondering about him and Justin. A little.

---------------

They were at an industry party a few weeks later, and Joey spent the entire time watching Chris. He noticed how Chris’s dark looks made him stand out from the crowd. Chris’s mouth stretched in a smile, and Joey found himself smiling along, even from across the room. Chris was working it in a dark jacket and chain necklace. Joey fingered the worn leather of his own coat. Leather was good. Leather was, like, soft. Joey was all about the leather.

He watched Chris talk to any number of people, men and women, all attractive, all laughing and having a good time, and not walk away with any of them. He saw how Justin managed to work the room and keep Chris in his eyeline at all times. He saw Chris walk up to Justin and touch him lightly on the small of his back, and he saw their departure soon after.

“Bullshit, they’re not messing around,” he muttered. “I’m going to kill JC.”

“Excuse me?” A horrified voice asked, startling him. Joey grimaced and turned to the woman he had been talking to before getting caught up in the Justin-and-Chris show.

“Nothing, baby,” he said, smiling down at her décolletage. “Did I mention how sexy you look tonight?”

The rest of the night passed in a blur of alcohol, dancing, and music. Joey didn’t think of Chris again until much later, staggering down the hotel hallway, vertical only by the grace of god and the strength of Lance.

“Jeez, Joey,” Lance grunted. “You gotta help out a little here, you’re total deadweight.”

Joey smiled and tousled Lance’s hair. Or tried to, at any rate. He ended up pawing at Lance’s face instead and poking a finger up his nose. “Lance, Lance, Lance,” he crooned. “Good old Lance, best friend Lance, so strong, so smart, so cool.”

Lance rolled his eyes and hiked Joey up a little higher on his shoulder. “Yes, Joey, I’m perfect, whatever. Seriously, man, you gotta walk some, I’m killing my back here.”

“No, Lance, see, you need to hear this, you’re hot, ya know? Like, hot. Like Chris is hot, did you know Chris was hot? Cause whoa. He is.” Joey nodded firmly and tipped slowly forward. Lance struggled to keep him upright, then shrugged and let go, watching as Joey fell in perfect slo-mo to the floor. Joey blinked up at him, dazed. “Dude, I can totally see up your nose from here.”

Lance frowned. “Fuck you, Joey. You can just stay on the floor for all I care.”

“No! No no no no Lance, Lance, man, help me up!” Joey batted his eyes winningly and flung his arms wide, slamming his hand against a door in the process. Lance sighed the sigh of the sober and took Joey’s hand. He tugged, Joey tugged harder, and Lance ended up crashing against the wall as Joey miraculously levered himself up, overbalanced, landed on someone’s door, and then fell into the room when the door was flung open.

“What the hell is going on here?”

Joey blinked owlishly. “Chris! Dude, it’s Chris! You’re upside down, man, how’d you do that?”

Chris glowered at Joey. “Get your fat ass off of my floor and outta my room, Fatone. Some of us were trying to sleep.”

Joey nodded agreeably. “Absolutely, dude. Absolutely. Only, hey, I wanted to ask you, are you sleeping with Justin?”

“Oh, hell,” Lance muttered, staggering into the room. “JC warned me about this. Joey, shut up before Chris kicks your ass.”

Chris sighed and grabbed Joey’s arm, helping Lance pull him upright. “Nah, it’s too late to kick his ass, and he wouldn’t remember it anyway.”

Joey frowned. “Chris, you didn’t say, Chris, are you sleeping with Justin? Cause, Chris. Chris? He’s, like, with Britney, right? And there’re other guys, man, other people who would love to grab the fine Kirkpatrick ass.” Joey grabbed Chris’s ass, just to make a point. It flexed. “Damn, man, your ass is great.”

Chris groaned and grabbed Joey by the chin, pulling their faces close together. Joey’s eyes crossed, and he pulled a little so he could look Chris in the eye. “Listen up, Fatone. I am not sleeping with Justin. I am not sleeping with anyone right now, but I am trying to actually sleep, so if you would please go away and let me do that, I’d be less inclined to cause you severe pain.”

Joey’s face crumpled. “How come everyone wants to beat me up these days?”

“I’m on it, Chris,” Lance said, hauling Joey to the door. “See ya tomorrow.”

Chris grunted, his eyes following Lance and Joey’s progress down the hall and around the corner, before closing the door behind him.

“Joey, my friend,” Lance wheezed. “You and I are going to have a serious talk tomorrow. On the treadmill, cause man, you weigh a TON.”

They passed JC’s door and Joey frowned. “You, dude,” he said, waving a finger unsteadily in the direction of JC’s room. “You are, like, my anemone.”

“Your anemone?” Lance asked.

“Anemon. . nemem. . . evil guy who won’t leave me alone. My LEX LUTHOR!” Joey bellowed.

“Shut up!” Someone screamed from down the hall. Lance steered Joey into his own room and pushed him on the bed.

“Ah,” Lance said, pulling the shoes off of Joey’s feet. “Your nemesis.”

“ ’Zactly,” Joey said and promptly passed out.

---------

Lance drove Joey home the next day. “So,” he said conversationally. “Wanna tell me why JC, who you’ve been friends with since you both crawled out of the primordial ooze, is suddenly your nemesis? And why you’re fixated on Justin and Chris and all the sex they’re not having with each other?”

Joey groaned and slouched further into the passenger seat of Lance’s SUV. “Man, I don’t know,” he said. “Just, JC yelled at me a while back for flaunting my girls in front of Chris, and he and Justin are always together, and . . .”

“And you put two and two together and got seven,” Lance said dryly. “Joey, really.”

“What?” Joey asked. “It’s not totally unreasonable. Justin’s hot, Chris isn’t completely unattractive, they’re together all the time, they crawl all over each other, you never see one at a party without the other, they’re best friends, come on. It makes sense.”

Lance laughed and glanced at Joey. “You realize that you can replace Justin with me and Chris with you, and you just described us, right?”

Joey grinned. “Yeah, but you and me, we would never work. You’d kill me within a week.”

“If you made it that long,” Lance said with a small smile. He looked back at the road and turned up the car radio.

Joey shifted in the seat, tugging his sweater down in back. “It’s just that they’re best friends, and Chris is lonely. We all know that Justin and Brit aren’t going to last forever, and it just seems like best friends make a good couple.”

“Maybe,” Lance allowed. “But sometimes you need your best friend to just be your best friend, so that you have someone to complain about your boyfriend to.”

Joey shook his head. “Justin would never need to complain about Chris. Chris is great.”

Lance grinned. “And Justin isn’t?”

“Man, if he heard you say that,” Joey said, smiling and fake-checking over his shoulder. “No, but see, Chris would be, like, the perfect boyfriend, because he wouldn’t go with you unless he really wanted to. He’d make an effort, you know? Bring flowers, make dinner, let you win at Playstation, not bitch about your music - he’d be great.”

Lance quirked an eyebrow. “You’ve given this some thought, Joe.”

Joey shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck. “It just doesn’t make sense, is all. No reason he’s not hooked up with someone. Chris is prime real estate, he’s single and rich, he’s the fucking cream of the crop.”

“Well,” Lance said slowly. “Go harvest him, then.”

Joey gaped at him. “What?”

Lance’s face was unreadable. “You’ve thought about it. You’ve practically written a top ten list of why Chris Kirkpatrick should be your new boyfriend, so go get him. It’s not like there’s anyone else, right?”

“Dude,” Joey said, stunned. “Dude. I didn’t. . . dude.”

The SUV’s gas gauge buzzed, providing both men a chance to take a break and regroup. Lance turned off into a gas station, pulled up to the pump, and killed the engine. Joey waited. Lance raised his eyebrows. Joey sighed and got out.

Lance followed and leaned against the side of the car. “Look, it’s all right if you’ve got a thing for Chris. I mean, look at him, he’s a stud.”

"His ass is hot," Joey admitted as he unscrewed the gasoline cap.

“His ass, his eyes, his hair,” Lance said, shaking his head. “Are you really into him, or am I just making stuff up here?”

Joey topped off the tank and took his receipt before answering. “You’re not making stuff up. I think I may have a crush.”

Lance nodded. “And?”

“And I’m going to go for it.” Joey got in the car and fastened his seat belt. Lance slid behind the wheel and gunned the motor. “Lance.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t tell JC, dude. He’ll kill me for sure.”

-----------------------

Joey looked back on that day as the day he unofficially lost his mind. Chris was being impossible, and the more Joey tried to get them alone together, the more Chris seemed to psychically know what was going on and thwart all Joey’s plans. Joey invited him over for dinner, and Chris showed up and demanded that they go out to the new restaurant in town. Great food, but way too public for any kind of declaration of crushing. Joey tried dinner at his house, and Chris showed up with steaks, a case of beer, and Justin, and the dinner turned into an impromptu barbecue.

Joey eyed Justin suspiciously. He still wasn’t convinced that there was nothing going on between Justin and Chris, and watching them roughhouse by the pool wasn’t helping things any.

“Ow, you fucker!” Chris cried, laughing as Justin got him in a headlock. Joey glowered as Justin released Chris, smacking him on the ass hard enough to almost land him in the pool. The happiness on Chris’s face was undeniable. Joey hated it.

“Yo, Joe, I’m going to hit the head,” Chris said, trotting by on his way to the house. “Holler when the steaks are done, I’m in the mood for MEAT!”

Justin snickered at Joey’s startled expression. “Joey, man, your face is priceless.”

“Not priceless,” Joey muttered absently, watching Chris disappear into the house. “You can get it on eBay for $10.95 if you BuyItNow.”

Justin laughed and clapped Joey on the back. “Good one, Joe!” His laughter died as Joey twitched away from him. “Joey? You ok?”

Joey grunted and flipped a steak.

Justin’s brow creased in confusion. “Joey, man. Seriously, are you mad at me?”

Joey sighed and poked at the steaks, avoiding Justin’s eyes. “Are you and Chris sleeping together?”

Justin blinked. “What? No, man, you know that.” He looked closely at Joey. “What’s going on? Why are you asking me stuff you know the answer to? You got a crush or something?”

Joey shrugged.

Justin blinked in surprise. “Oh.” Something in his voice caught Joey’s attention and he glanced up to see Justin donning what Lance had dubbed the “Let ‘em down easy and get ‘em out quick” expression usually reserved for overamorous fans. Justin reached out and patted Joey’s arm gently while managing to back away the required four steps. “That’s so special that you feel like that, I’m flattered and honored.”

Joey stared at him in amazement. “Man, if you start talking about how you love all the fans and that I’m just as special as every other girl, I’m going to shove these tongs right up your nose.”

Justin froze, checked his body position, and laughed sheepishly. “Sorry. Auto-pilot, which you totally don’t deserve.” He moved in and gave Joey a one-armed hug, tight around the shoulders. “But, you know, I’m not going to say I haven’t thought about it, cause I have.” His eyes dropped bashfully. Joey blinked, and started to grin.

“Have you, Justin?” he asked, breathlessly. “You’ve thought about us? Like. . . that?” He fluttered his eyelashes for good measure.

Justin flushed lightly. “Well, yeah, Joe,” he started, looking up. “You’re pretty hot and. . .you FUCKER!” He punched Joey in the shoulder as Joey dissolved into laughter. “It’s not me at all, is it?”

Joey grinned. “No, man, but I have to say I’m flattered and honored.”

Justin shook his head. “Dude, it’s probably not even worth asking you not to tell anyone about this, is it?”

“Nope,” Joey said, beaming.

“So then,” Justin said. “Chris, huh?”

The smile left Joey’s face, and he jabbed irritatedly at the steak. “Yeah. Chris. I’m completely fucked.”

Justin nodded sympathetically. “Yeah, you are. He doesn’t date, Joey. He doesn’t do the one-night thing, he doesn’t do any of that.”

Joey nodded. “Yeah, I know, which is actually what made me think that there was something going on between you two, you know? Cause you always left together.”

“Yeah, but usually we just went home. Him to his and me to mine, or we’d watch a movie or play something,” Justin said. “Nothing’s ever happened, Joey. Nothing ever would.”

Joey looked at Justin. “That’s what I’m afraid of.” He sat heavily down in a lawn chair, propping his head in his hands. “I don’t think I’d be happy with just a one-night thing. I think I want more.”

“Well,” Justin said, sitting on the ground in front of Joey. He covered one of Joey’s knees with a hand and dipped his head, seeking Joey’s gaze. “That’s good, Joe. That’s what he wants. Maybe he doesn’t want it with you yet, but he probably hasn’t even thought about it. You gotta get his attention, let him know where you’re at. Make him think about it.”

Joey nodded miserably, then stood up as he heard the door swing open.

“Meat, meat, meat, meat, MEAT!” Chris crowed as he danced his way across Joey’s deck. He flung his arms around Joey from behind, standing on his tiptoes to croon in his ear, “Gimmie some of your meat, Joey. I’m CRAVING it.”

Justin burst into laughter, and Joey felt like his face was going to burst into flames. “Fuck off, Kirkpatrick,” he grunted, struggling to shake Chris off of his back. Chris just laughed and clung tighter, so it was really inevitable that he was going to end up in the pool. Joey brushed his hands off and turned his back. The sight of a wet Chris was a little too much for him right then.

Justin left after they ate, tossing a zippered cloth bag on the picnic table with a cheery “I can’t indulge, but you guys knock yourselves out. Compliments of my good buddy Trace and his excellent connections.”

Chris practically squealed with delight and pounced on the bag, pulling out a Ziplock of pot and a tiny pipe shaped like an elephant. “God bless America and god bless Trace,” he said. “Go away child, let your elders get to work.”

Joey walked Justin to the door, leaving Chris on the deck looking for the lighter. “So,” he said when they reached the doorway. “You think I got a chance?”

Justin smiled. “Yeah. He already loves you, man. All you have to do is show him a different way to do that.” They hugged, and Justin got in his car and left. Joey watched him drive away, took a breath, and took the long way back to his deck.

“Joey, Joey, Joe, Joe, Joe!” Chris called. “Where the hell are you, we got stuff to do here!”

Joey laughed, and took a moment to remind himself that at the end of the day, Chris was still Chris, and not some stranger. “Stop hogging the doobage,” he said, holding his hand out. “Share, share, share.”

Chris, already three tokes in, waved his hand arily. “My pot is your pot, especially if I didn’t have to pay for it. Smoke up, my friend. Anyone who still calls it doobage seriously needs it.”

Half an hour later, Joey gazed at Chris through a cloud of aromatic smoke and decided that Chris had never looked better than he did right then. He was tilted back in his chair, eyes half closed, pink lips pursed as he slowly blew out a stream of smoke. His feet were propped on the table and crossed at the ankles, and Joey had a vague urge to play with his leg hair.

“You know, Chris,” he said. “You know, you’re pretty awesome.”

“Yes,” Chris replied solemnly. “This is true. I am, indeed, pretty awesome.”

Joey nodded. “You’re also just pretty.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Pretty? Are you mistaking me for JC or Lance? They’re the pretty boys in this group.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty enough, but you, man.” Joey leaned forward and ran a hand up Chris’s leg. “You’re really pretty.”

Chris stared at him for a minute then burst into laughter. “Dude, what am I, a chick? You trying to pick me up or something?”

Joey shrugged sheepishly. “Kind of, yeah.”

Chris laughed again, but quieted as he saw Joey’s serious expression. “You’re trying to pick me up.” Joey nodded. Chris frowned. “I don’t do the one night thing, Joe. You know that. I take this shit seriously.”

Joey nodded, his head bobbing so fast that he got a little dizzy. “No, man, no, I get that, I’m serious. Look,” he said and slid onto his knees alongside Chris’s chair. Chris dropped his feet from the table and allowed all four chairlegs to touch the ground. Joey ran his hands through his hair and exhaled hard. “See, I know that about you. And, look, I’m going to tell you something, ok? Listen, cause it’s important.”

Chris looked at Joey steadily. “Ok,” he said. “Tell me.”

Joey sat there for a minute, mouth open as his brain went completely blank. The words that he had practiced were gone. The perfect speech to make Chris want him back was gone. He closed his mouth and swallowed. “OK then, here it is.” He licked his lips.

“Baby, I’m a-want you,” he sang, to his complete and utter horror.

Chris’s mouth twitched.

“Baby, I’m a-need you,” Joey continued, eyes wide with panic. His brain was betraying him! “You’re the only one I care enough to hurt about.”

Chris coughed, looking away with a suspicious twinkle in his eye. “You’re wooing me with Bread?”

Joey grinned and sent a mental apology to his brain. "Shut up, asshole, I'm trying to be fucking romantic here."

Chris smiled and tugged on Joey’s beard. “Just, you know, that is some seriously fucked up grammar there.”

Joey brought his hand up to catch Chris’s. He tugged lightly, and Chris tipped forward. Joey leaned up and whispered in his ear, “Lately, I’m a-praying that you’ll always be a-staying beside me.” He kissed Chris’s cheek lightly and pulled back. “I want this, Chris. I want you. I think we’d be good together. We already are, right?”

Chris looked down at their joined hands and smiled. “Well, you wooed me with song.” He glanced up, a wicked smile on his face. “And your meat was quite tasty.”

Joey burst into laughter. Chris pecked him on the cheek and stood up. “What the hell, Fatone. Court me, man. I’m all yours.” He turned and disappeared into the house. Joey stood up and grinned as Chris’s shirt fluttered out the door. Courting Chris Kirkpatrick, he thought, and shook his head. Definitely insane.

“Joey, get your ass in here before this fine booty goes off for greener pastures!” Chris bellowed from inside.

Joey ran for the door. This, he thought as he caught Chris in his arms and planted a kiss on his mouth, was going to be fun.

END

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